Are you seriously doing an enema before... (funny story)

MASHA
- And, in short, they chewed off each other's fingers.
DASHA
- Why?
MASHA
- Well, like a proof of love.
DASHA
"What kind of fingers?"
MASHA
- Yes, I don't remember what fingers. What difference does it make which fingers?
DASHA
- And then what did they do with them?
MASHA
- It doesn't matter at all.
DASHA
- Нет, просто интересно...
MASHA
- It wasn't written about it there.
DASHA
- Were there any photos?
MASHA
- Well, yes. Such two cretins with their fingers bitten off.
DASHA
- So they bit off all their fingers?
MASHA
- b..., no! Only the little fingers!
DASHA
"You said you didn't remember which ones."
MASHA
- Well, now I remember.
DASHA
- p....
A WAITER passes by the table. DASHA slows him down.
DASHA (TO THE WAITER)
- Bring the bill, please.
DASHA (MASHA)
- Would you be able to bite off your finger, for the sake of another person?
MASHA
- They didn't bite off themselves. They chewed each other off, you know?
DASHA
- А...
MASHA
"They put them in each other's mouths and chewed them off.
DASHA (lights up)
- Лучше б он ей x... в рот засунул.

MASHA
"So she can chew it off?"
DASHA
- So that she can suck it.
MASHA
- Then what is the proof of love here?
DASHA
- В том, что она пососала бы его x....
MASHA
- There is nothing unnatural in this!
DASHA
"You think so?" And in my opinion, it's very unnatural to suck a thing from which they piss.
A waiter approaches the table.
WAITER
- Your account.
DASHA
- Thank you.
ОФИЦИАНТ Этой штукой делают вам приятно.
DASHA
- what?
WAITER
- I'm saying that this thing makes you feel good when you get fucked. So when you suck this thing, you kind of say thank you.
DASHA
- Можно подумать, что когда вы меня трахаете, вы не получаете удовольствия а получаете только когда я беру вашу штуку в рот!
WAITER
- I didn't say that.
DASHA
"I won't leave you a tip for saying that."
THE WAITER (insistently)
- I didn't say that.
DASHA
- Do you insist?
WAITER
- yes.
DASHA
- All right. Call the administrator!
THE WAITER leaves and soon returns with the ADMINISTRATOR.
ADMINISTRATOR
- Hello!
DASHA
- Hello, I would like to complain about the boorish attitude in your restaurant.
ADMINISTRATOR
- Excuse me, but what happened?
WAITER
- Она говорит, что минет это когда женщине в рот засовывают штуку, из которой ссут.
ADMINISTRATOR
- Да, пожалуй это действительно хамское поведение...
DASHA
- That's not what I wanted to talk about at all!
MASHA
- Она хотела сказать, что...
DASHA
- I know what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that there is nothing natural in this!
ADMINISTRATOR
- In what way exactly?
DASHA
- That a woman should suck this thing of yours.
ADMINISTRATOR
- I don't see anything supernatural in this either.
DASHA
- Of course, because it's unnatural!
ADMINISTRATOR
- So listen to you, then anal sex is also something unnatural!
DASHA
- Of course! And what is natural about it? Are you going to impregnate someone in this way? Or do you practice hemorrhoid prevention?
ADMINISTRATOR
- I have anal sex because it feels good to me!
DASHA
- It is pleasant to you, only because you are a man. Do you have a female administrator?
ADMINISTRATOR
- Call Lena.
WAITER
- Call Lena!
LENA comes in.
LENA
- Hello, how can I help you?
DASHA
- Tell me, Lena, do you like anal sex?
LENA
- Well.. In general, yes.
DASHA
- Да у вас тут все извращенцы...
LENA
- Look, you're probably just doing it wrong.
DASHA
- Yes, I don't do it!
ADMINISTRATOR
- Then how can you talk about what you haven't tried?
DASHA
- Ну я пробовала, но...
ADMINISTRATOR
- what?
DASHA
- I don't know. I think it's terrible.
LENA
- Did you use a lubricant?
DASHA
- Естественно...
LENA
- Perhaps you have chosen the wrong position or your partner has too big a penis.
DASHA
- Слушайте! Я сто раз занималась анальным сексом и знаю в какой позе им заниматься, да и член моего парня оставляет желать лучшего, но...
WAITER
- Maybe you have cracks in the rectum?
DASHA
- what???
The OWNER approaches the table.
OWNER
- I'm sorry. Do you have any problems?
MASHA
- And who are you?
OWNER
- I'm the owner of this place.
DASHA
- Well, finally.
OWNER
- So what's the matter?
WAITER
- The girl has cracks in the rectum and she can't have anal sex.
OWNER
- I see. Have you already contacted a proctologist?
DASHA
- b...! Yes, you're all f...! I don't need a proctologist! That's not the problem!
OWNER
- And in what?
DASHA
- The fact that my boyfriend has a small penis!
The OWNER'S GIRLFRIEND approaches the table.
GIRL
- Послушайте, но маленького члена есть масса преимуществ! Во-первых с таким членом гораздо удобнее обращаться во время орального секс. Вы можете заглатывать его целиком и даже доставать до яичек. При этом у вас не будет возникать никаких рвотных спазмов...
OWNER
- Do you have vomiting spasms during oral sex?
GIRL (TO THE Owner)
- Ну что ты! С тобой никаких... ДЕВУШКА (ДАШЕ)
- И потом, если член маленький, да еще и тонкий это просто подарок для анального секса. Главное перед этим сделать очищающую клизму...
DASHA
- What are you telling me about? What enema?
GIRL
- Warm. Boil water, cool to room temperature. You can pour a little urine there, to even out the acid balance.
DASHA
"Whose urine?"
GIRL
- Your own urine. Pee in a jar and pour it into warm boiled water. One liter is enough.
DASHA
- A liter of urine? I can't write that much in a week.
GIRL
- A liter of water.
THE ADMINISTRATOR.
- Wait, I'm writing it down.
OWNER
- Are you seriously doing an enema before anal sex?
GIRL
- Why seriously?
The INSPECTOR approaches the table.
INSPECTOR
- I have an order to close your restaurant.
OWNER
- What are you talking about?
INSPECTOR
- По результатам инспекции ваш ресторан не отвечает требованиям санитарной нормы...
DASHA
- So, b...! Don't get involved here with your problems! We have enough problems of our own.
INSPECTOR
- What is your problem?
ADMINISTRATOR
- Where to get a liter of urine for a cleansing enema.
INSPECTOR
- Does it have to be some specific urine, or will any one do?
DASHA
- Of course, a certain one. It should be exactly my urine.
INSPECTOR
- Why do you need so much urine?
DASHA
- To equalize the acid-base balance.
INSPECTOR
- Are you rinsing her teeth?
DASHA
- No, I'm fucking thrusting it up my ass!
A HANDSOME MAN approaches the table.
MAN
Hello, I'm a proctologist.
DASHA
What are you doing here?
MAN
I'm looking for where the 2008 committee meets.
OWNER
What does 2008 mean?
MAN
The year of the election of the next president.
DASHA
Да пошли вы наx... со своим президентом, у меня тут свои проблемы.
THE MAN (taking out his mobile phone)
And what are your problems?
DASHA
I do not know where to find urine.
MAN
And where did you leave it last time?